An Honest Statement

I have a soft aching in my chest. I'd like to say its because of many things, but I know the exact thing that caused it, and I have to say, I'm ashamed of myself.

I feel like even though I have learned that God is all that I need and that I can't fill any hole in my life with a husband, I find that it is very difficult to actually put that knowledge into use in my life. I yearn for that companionship. If I can't be wholly satisfied with God as my Number One, how can He ever trust me enough to send me my husband?

Sometimes I think I'm not meant to be married...that there is no man I could ever put up with or that could put up with me, and for awhile I am satisfied and quite happy to not have to deal with any of it. I thank God for those moments of content. Then, slowly and silently, the yearning, hoping, wanting, and waiting creep up on me and I find myself wanting more.

How could I ever want more than God? Its quite terrible. God provides everything that I need...why does my heart stray to man?

And whats worse is that aside from the inability to be content with just God in my life, I cannot fully share in my engaged and married friends' joy because jealousy creeps into my heart when I think about it too much. Of course, I am always quite happy for them...it makes me happy to see them happy and united with the partner God created for them. Its those little thoughts, though...the thoughts like, "Why hasn't God sent me my husband yet?" or "Why are they happy and not me?" that create that aching in my chest.

Its a mixture of discontent, sadness, jealousy, and guilt for feeling those things that settle themselves in for a little while. I need to pray for completion from God, not from a man. I need to pray that God would fix my heart so that I can really just feel pure joy for my friends who have been blessed with their partners.

Getting Into Shape

I started running again. I've tried several times in the past to get into a regular habit of running, but it never caught on. This time, however, I have something that I previously did not: a running buddy! My best friend Alberto ran track in high school so he's a great runner and he loves it. He's been helping me and coaching me. Its been great...I've enjoyed it.

In other news, I've been starting on my final paintings for classes. Each class is demanding a 6'x4' canvas. I'll be working on masonite board. Its cheaper. Also working on a stop motion video for Electronic Media class and a paper for my Contemporary Issues in Art class.



I hate the end of the semester. 1 more month to go until its all over!

Ew.

My apartment is disgusting. There is still a ton of stuff all over the floor from the move; I just haven't had the time to find a place for it all.

Also, my roommate's kitten is peeing everywhere, and somehow, only on my stuff. He's peed on all of my reusable shopping bags, except one, my color chart, my shoes, and my light box for photography, which is now useless because it has a big yellow stain on it. He's also peed on the carpet several times...and somehow I'm always the one home when he does it, so I always have to clean it up. The apartment smells like urine and there is litter all over the floor. None of us own a vacuum cleaner, so I'm going to go to the store today or tomorrow to buy one. I got my tax return check just in time because I'm about to go crazy.

I don't even like being home, so I avoid it. Its sad because I have a cat, too, and I feel bad for leaving him all the time. We have to find a way to make that kitten stop peeing everywhere except his litter box.