Sometimes, when I'm surrounded by silence, my mind is filled with this incredibly loud noise. Its as if all of the sounds of the world are cramming themselves into my memory, and then my head begins to hurt. It's sort of like that loud hissing you hear at sports events from the crowd, but it doesn't sound like screaming, specifically. It sounds like...everything. I don't know if my brain is trying to make up for the silence in the room or if something else is going on up there, but at those times, I feel like I could go crazy. Is a little silence too much to ask for?

I'm going to try and take a nap...my head is too full.

A Feeling of Inadequacy

Its been a while since I posted here. Sometimes I just forget this blog even exists.

I woke up yesterday feeling completely inadequate. I felt like no matter what I did, it was useless; I felt like I wasn't good enough. Those sorts of feelings are not usually something I deal with. I usually feel fairly confident in myself and my abilities. I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been the fact that my sculpture wasn't finished when it should have been, it could have been that I've been seeing a lot of amazing artists lately, it could have been because I've been so exhausted and stressed lately...it could even have been because I'd failed miserably at dancing last night and made a fool of myself. Whatever it was, it completely threw me off my game. I woke up, felt like no matter what I did that day, I'd fail, and went back to sleep.

I missed my 8:30am sculpture class. I went to painting class, but only because I hate to disappoint Elisabeth Condon, my professor. I look up to her. She inspires me.

I spent the rest of the day moping about. I went to work...the dull, monotonous tasks helped me to feel a little more competent. I'm a pro at working that register (isn't that sad?). Sometimes I wonder if I'll always need that retail job...what if art isn't enough?


Today I feel a little better. I still don't want to finish my sculpture. I can't skip again tomorrow, though, so I'll have to turn it in in some form. I honestly think I'll just leave it unfinished. I'm completely unmotivated. I'm burnt out. I would like to just slack even more, but that won't help because I'll just feel guilty.

I've honestly been feeling pretty down lately. I'm exhausted of all energy for art. Discouraged, for sure. Ever wonder where your friends are? I'm feeling like that now. Lonely, definitely. I don't know where to go next. I don't know....

What I am...

Sometimes I realize something:

I, as a human being and as an artist, am average.

Average.

Average...

I don't WANT to be average...to be noticed by a couple people here and there who have no (or little) talent themselves...then to fade from their minds and live on for a little while in someone else's mind. Thats how average people are known. The important people pay no attention. The truly talented people pay no attention. The successful people pay no attention. There's no reason to pay attention. I'm simply average and my work is average.

What can I do to strive to be top-notch? How can I improve myself and my artwork to be worth something to society...to be noticed by all, not simply by those who are only interested in the fact that I can make pretty things?

My art is all I've been given at this point in my life...its all I have to focus on. God wants me to do something with it, but WHAT?


I don't want to be average. I will not remain average.