Waiting

A lot of life seems to be a lot of waiting.

Right now I'm waiting to see my academic adviser about my degree. I'm considering changing from a BFA in Art Studio to a BA in Art Studio. I will graduate next semester if I make the switch. If not, I'll be waiting here for at least another year, though probably longer because I can't afford to cram my semesters with classes. I'm tired of waiting to graduate...tired of saying, "I can finally get to work when I'm done with school." I have the opportunity to be done sooner, but I'm not sure if its the right choice for me.

The BFA requires a concentration in some art medium. I chose painting...I used to love painting, but this semester its just been a drag. I'm not sure what that means...is it a phase? It probably is; my moods and passions fluctuate more than I can keep up with. There is no reason I couldn't graduate with my BA and explore all sorts of mediums (I love photography and drawing, too).

And then there is the topic of grad school. I need to figure out what I want to get my Masters in. Painting, photography, drawing? What if I went back to creative writing? Education? Art therapy? I have no freaking clue. I need to spend the next year or so figuring out what I want. Its really hard to do that when my body, mind, and soul are stuck in painting classes.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify my desire to graduate earlier than expected. I have no idea. Getting my degree after four years instead of 5 or 6 would be really nice, I have to admit.

Terrifying, intimidating, and overwhelming, yes, all of those things. But nice. Really, really nice.

Starting Fresh

I'm going to try to update this blog more often. I've been needing an outlet lately for all the stress and consuming thoughts in my life. I used to find joy in blogging; knowing that I was sending my insignificant hopes and dreams out into the massive web of whatever the web is made of brought me a sense of hope and companionship. It was like having someone to talk at who wouldn't try to offer me advice when I didn't want it. Sometimes a girl just likes to vent.

So what is there to vent about today?

I'm hungry, and all I have is pasta. I am sick of pasta. I grew up eating pasta several days a week. I'm now in college and pasta is one of the only things I can afford. Changing the sauce doesn't help. It really doesn't. Under the clever disguise of tomato, butter and garlic, or alfredo is still the same pasta. Chewy (or disgustingly soggy if overcooked), flesh-colored, bowtie or elbow shaped pasta. Pasta also takes other forms to mask itself, like those salty Ramen noodles you get for 14 cents at the grocery store. Or Lo Mein...totally pasta.

Every time I eat it in its various forms, I get sleepy. I get loaded with carbs and feel like sleeping until I die, or at least until my landlord evicts me for not paying rent due to my prolonged slumber. My entire plans for the day get ruined because I'm so tired. I have to cancel everything. Don't mock me, I'm totally busy. You don't even know.

And its not just that I'm tired of pasta. I'm Italian...its like I'm expected to eat pasta every day of my life. Can you imagine that pressure? Any time someone hears I'm Italian, they're probably assuming I make amazing pasta. Its true, I make great pasta, but can't I be associated with something else? I'm half English-Irish, you know. Can't I make great potatoes, too? Or tea? Or crumpets or whatever those crumbly-buiscuity things are?


I'm hungry, so I'm going to go rummage through my cabinets for something edible, but its hopeless. In the end, all I'll find that's suitable is pasta...with Vodka sauce.

Well, friends, I'm back in the good ol' United States of America. First, let me say, what a trip! I learned so much, got over some fears, faced fears, even if I didn't get over them, made new friends, ordered food in two different languages, saw more art than I could handle, and was inspired beyond belief. I have so much to write about, and will probably do so through photos on here. I suppose I'll start from the beginning...but not tonight. There is too much on my mind; for this post, I simply wanted to say, "I made it."

Adventure time!!

I leave in 2 days! Tomorrow I'm going back home to spend the day with family, then on Sunday morning they're taking me to the airport! Goodness, I'm so nervous.


My life has always been so mundane and just...unadventurous. Now that I finally have an adventure in front of me, I'm terrified! I've always been the type to love traveling...but the fact that its my first time leaving the country, my parents aren't around to protect me (I know, I'm 21, but you're never too old to have your daddy protect you), and I have NO CLUE what to expect just freaks me out. I don't like not knowing.

But gosh, I'm so excited, too! I'm totally unprepared, but I'm so excited! I can't wait to experience what lies ahead! Don't worry, I'll take a kajillion photos and post them on Facebook. I'll also be updating my blog here now and then, but not too often because I don't want to sit on my computer and miss everything thats going on. =)

Nine More Days!

Holy moly, I'm in the single digits now. Nine days until I'm on my way to Paris. How exciting is that? Its pretty darned exciting...and scary. It's definitely a bit scary. I've never been out of the country and my total in-air time has only amounted to about 6 hours. I'm terrified of flying. I guess I'm going to get over that really fast.

I also just watched the movie "Taken." Every time I told someone I was going to Paris, they'd say, "Don't share a cab!" and then proceed to tell me that I should watch the movie. Finally, I have, and I was very impressed. It was total butt-kickery and name taking. My dad would definitely do that for me...except maybe without the use of martial arts skills because he doesn't have much. Anyways, I feel better prepared now for avoiding kidnappings (joking).

Tomorrow I have to go to the bank, order travelers checks and exchange dollars for Euros. Then I need to buy shoes. After that, I need to buy a "carne de voyage"...the book I will be drawing in, writing in, and scrapbooking in while I'm over there.




I feel like I have so much to do!

Self portrait. I realized I never posted this on here.

Sometimes, when I'm surrounded by silence, my mind is filled with this incredibly loud noise. Its as if all of the sounds of the world are cramming themselves into my memory, and then my head begins to hurt. It's sort of like that loud hissing you hear at sports events from the crowd, but it doesn't sound like screaming, specifically. It sounds like...everything. I don't know if my brain is trying to make up for the silence in the room or if something else is going on up there, but at those times, I feel like I could go crazy. Is a little silence too much to ask for?

I'm going to try and take a nap...my head is too full.

Its Back!

Florida summer is back and with a vengeance. Why did nature decide it was a good idea to make a place so hot that walking 20 feet to your car results in sweat-drenched t-shirts? I've been out west where the temperature can get up to over 100 degrees, but really, its not that bad. Its not humid out there. In Florida, the humidity makes you feel like you're melting. I was just in my car, AC on full blast, and I still felt like my insides were cooking...driving down the highway in my Honda Civic Microwave.

14 more days till I leave for Paris, and won't that be nice? Apparently, it will be cooler there than in FL. I can't wait.


In other news, part of being an art student means having no money, and guess what? I have no money! Good job if you guessed it. I have two weeks before I leave, and three weeks after I return, to find a new apartment. My lease is up August 1st, by which time I must be out of there. I don't have a roommate lined up...I just can't find one. I'm pretty picky, though, so its most likely my own fault. Its cool, though...I've decided that my last resort is to just rent a storage unit, put all of my stuff in there, and sleep at friends' places or in my car, if need be. I can handle it until I find a cheap enough place or a new roommate. I'll do whatever it takes.


Bring it on, world!

"Made in the 80s"

Really?!

Okay....

WHAT?

I just watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy (I know, I'm a day behind but that's because I don't own a TV and I have to watch it online). I am FLABBERGASTED. Yes...flabbergasted.

One more time....WHAT?!

****SPOILER ALERT****


George?! Dragged under a bus?! I mean, I expected Izzy to die...no biggie...I love her and all, but I expected it. Even if she's not actually dead...whatever. But GEORGE?! He's so sweet and kind, and if I had an older brother, he'd be like him. George is the type of guy who would be my best friend, and so I got rather attached to his character. Why couldn't they just have let him join the army and go? He could have left the show LIVING. But dying...in the miserable hospital...?! C'mon! Why do they feel the need to kill off George?! I don't think a TV show has ever made me cry so hard. How ridiculous. I'm absolutely fuming.

FUMING.

Back from a long hiatus

I haven't updated in a long time. If anyone cares, I apologize!

The end of the semester was a whirlwind. I had final projects up the wazoo and very little time to finish them.

Sculpture was an absolute disaster. I won't even waste my time writing about it. I got a B+ in the class (somehow).

Drawing was so-so. I know I could have spent much more time on my three ink drawings, but my focus was mainly on my Real World assignments at the time. I got an A in the class.

My Real World class is finally over, thank goodness. It was an absolute nightmare. I stayed awake all night the day before my final journal project was done completing assignments in Starbucks. God bless whoever invented the 24 hour Starbucks. There is only one in Tampa, and it was 20 min. away, but it was worth it. I got a B in the class (which is a miracle because I wasn't sure if I was even going to pass.

And finally, Intermediate Painting is over, though, I have to take 3 more. Elisabeth Condon was my professor, and she is amazing. You can find her website here. Check out her art, its well worth your time.

My final project for my painting class were three 4' x 5' paintings, in oil, of my classmate Tim sneezing.



It was probably the most fun I've ever had painting in my life. I've made a commitment to never paint smaller than 30" x 40" ever again, and even that seems a bit small. The large canvas was soooo much fun.

Anyways, its time to go to work. I'll update again soon, I promise.

A Feeling of Inadequacy

Its been a while since I posted here. Sometimes I just forget this blog even exists.

I woke up yesterday feeling completely inadequate. I felt like no matter what I did, it was useless; I felt like I wasn't good enough. Those sorts of feelings are not usually something I deal with. I usually feel fairly confident in myself and my abilities. I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been the fact that my sculpture wasn't finished when it should have been, it could have been that I've been seeing a lot of amazing artists lately, it could have been because I've been so exhausted and stressed lately...it could even have been because I'd failed miserably at dancing last night and made a fool of myself. Whatever it was, it completely threw me off my game. I woke up, felt like no matter what I did that day, I'd fail, and went back to sleep.

I missed my 8:30am sculpture class. I went to painting class, but only because I hate to disappoint Elisabeth Condon, my professor. I look up to her. She inspires me.

I spent the rest of the day moping about. I went to work...the dull, monotonous tasks helped me to feel a little more competent. I'm a pro at working that register (isn't that sad?). Sometimes I wonder if I'll always need that retail job...what if art isn't enough?


Today I feel a little better. I still don't want to finish my sculpture. I can't skip again tomorrow, though, so I'll have to turn it in in some form. I honestly think I'll just leave it unfinished. I'm completely unmotivated. I'm burnt out. I would like to just slack even more, but that won't help because I'll just feel guilty.

I've honestly been feeling pretty down lately. I'm exhausted of all energy for art. Discouraged, for sure. Ever wonder where your friends are? I'm feeling like that now. Lonely, definitely. I don't know where to go next. I don't know....