A Feeling of Inadequacy

Its been a while since I posted here. Sometimes I just forget this blog even exists.

I woke up yesterday feeling completely inadequate. I felt like no matter what I did, it was useless; I felt like I wasn't good enough. Those sorts of feelings are not usually something I deal with. I usually feel fairly confident in myself and my abilities. I'm not sure what triggered it. It could have been the fact that my sculpture wasn't finished when it should have been, it could have been that I've been seeing a lot of amazing artists lately, it could have been because I've been so exhausted and stressed lately...it could even have been because I'd failed miserably at dancing last night and made a fool of myself. Whatever it was, it completely threw me off my game. I woke up, felt like no matter what I did that day, I'd fail, and went back to sleep.

I missed my 8:30am sculpture class. I went to painting class, but only because I hate to disappoint Elisabeth Condon, my professor. I look up to her. She inspires me.

I spent the rest of the day moping about. I went to work...the dull, monotonous tasks helped me to feel a little more competent. I'm a pro at working that register (isn't that sad?). Sometimes I wonder if I'll always need that retail job...what if art isn't enough?


Today I feel a little better. I still don't want to finish my sculpture. I can't skip again tomorrow, though, so I'll have to turn it in in some form. I honestly think I'll just leave it unfinished. I'm completely unmotivated. I'm burnt out. I would like to just slack even more, but that won't help because I'll just feel guilty.

I've honestly been feeling pretty down lately. I'm exhausted of all energy for art. Discouraged, for sure. Ever wonder where your friends are? I'm feeling like that now. Lonely, definitely. I don't know where to go next. I don't know....

Deceiving America

I work at a grocery store as a cashier, and I can't help but feel disgusted with the tabloid industry every time a customer comes through my line and is astonished at the latest National Enquirer headline. 99% of the crap thats in those magazines isn't true.

1. Why are people so interested in the misery of celebrities? I can't imagine being so interested in the scandalous lives of someone I've never met, that I'd pay $4 for a magazine that reports fake stories.
2. Why do tabloids feel that they have to deceive people to make a buck? Why not report real, true stories about things that actually make a difference to society?

There is a real problem in America...people are more interested in superficial make-believe "he-said-she-said" stories than in the condition of our people, our country, our environment, politics, our wars, and the rest of the world. This disinterest in matters of importance worries me.

Americans....get your priorities in line, please.

Old School

So I recently took all those photos, like I said, so I figured I'd post some of them here to share with whoever reads this, haha.







the first and the last were done my senior year of high school. The one in the middle was done my junior year. As you can see, I'm very attracted to line. I think I am going to try and get back into that style, just to see if I can take it even further.

79 Days

I'm 79 days away from Paris. 80, if you count the fact that its going to take a whole day to get there, haha. I can't wait...I keep thinking about all the baguettes and brie I will eat while I'm there. Yummmmy.

I got excellent news yesterday, too; the Honors College at USF gave me a $1500 scholarship to help pay for the trip! That will take care of the last payment fees and leave me with $100 to put towards food while I'm there.


In other news, I turned in a huge project today in my class called Real Word. We made presentation portfolios meant to mimic that of a portfolio for job interviews and requests for gallery representation. It was really expensive (about $200) and really time consuming. However, now I have plenty of pretty photos of my work printed in 8x10 and many many more photos of my artwork on my computer. Hurrah.

Here is one now!



Nude model in my Intermediate painting class...finished it a couple weeks ago. Oil on canvas, 24"x36"

Lonely Blog

Nobody reads this blog. Its sort of depressing, yet understandable. It's sort of boring to listen to someone ramble on about their school and artwork.

Drawing

I love drawing...I love it almost as much as I love painting.

Here's what I did in my intermediate drawing class last Thursday:



Its Emilio! He's an awesome artist...check him out at his website.

What I am...

Sometimes I realize something:

I, as a human being and as an artist, am average.

Average.

Average...

I don't WANT to be average...to be noticed by a couple people here and there who have no (or little) talent themselves...then to fade from their minds and live on for a little while in someone else's mind. Thats how average people are known. The important people pay no attention. The truly talented people pay no attention. The successful people pay no attention. There's no reason to pay attention. I'm simply average and my work is average.

What can I do to strive to be top-notch? How can I improve myself and my artwork to be worth something to society...to be noticed by all, not simply by those who are only interested in the fact that I can make pretty things?

My art is all I've been given at this point in my life...its all I have to focus on. God wants me to do something with it, but WHAT?


I don't want to be average. I will not remain average.

I'm not feeling the art tonight. Its amazing how much creative energy being bored can zap from me rather than motivate me.

I'm just going to go to sleep soon. Can't be bored and unmotivated when I'm sleeping.


Hopefully something amazing will happen in the morning. Amazing or slightly interesting.

I am feeling SO unmotivated. I have a lot of work to do. I'm not doing it at the moment...obviously. I started to wonder why I felt this way...physically and emotionally exhausted without the desire to create anything what-so-ever. Then I realized the answer...or answers...were very obvious.

I'm physically and emotionally tired because I'm a girl, and you know what happens to us every month. I don't care if this is TMI for some of you. Its annoying.

I'm physically tired because I didn't sleep much last night, and the quality of sleep in general as of late has been less than satisfactory.

I'm emotionally tired and have no desire to create anything because thats all I've been doing for the last 4 weeks of the semester. I realize I'm an art student and thats what I'm supposed to do, but everyone needs a break now and then.


To appease the blogging heavens (I don't know if that is a little blashphemous or not...) I will post a picture of the first painting I finished this semester. The first of the freaking 4 retarded zombie paintings.

I Forgot About Something...

Ok, the sketchbook will come next. I realized the other day that I forgot to post photos of my finished commissions!

Unfortunately, I can only post the first, because I forgot to photograph the second. How awful is that?!