I have a soft aching in my chest. I'd like to say its because of many things, but I know the exact thing that caused it, and I have to say, I'm ashamed of myself.
I feel like even though I have learned that God is all that I need and that I can't fill any hole in my life with a husband, I find that it is very difficult to actually put that knowledge into use in my life. I yearn for that companionship. If I can't be wholly satisfied with God as my Number One, how can He ever trust me enough to send me my husband?
Sometimes I think I'm not meant to be married...that there is no man I could ever put up with or that could put up with me, and for awhile I am satisfied and quite happy to not have to deal with any of it. I thank God for those moments of content. Then, slowly and silently, the yearning, hoping, wanting, and waiting creep up on me and I find myself wanting more.
How could I ever want more than God? Its quite terrible. God provides everything that I need...why does my heart stray to man?
And whats worse is that aside from the inability to be content with just God in my life, I cannot fully share in my engaged and married friends' joy because jealousy creeps into my heart when I think about it too much. Of course, I am always quite happy for them...it makes me happy to see them happy and united with the partner God created for them. Its those little thoughts, though...the thoughts like, "Why hasn't God sent me my husband yet?" or "Why are they happy and not me?" that create that aching in my chest.
Its a mixture of discontent, sadness, jealousy, and guilt for feeling those things that settle themselves in for a little while. I need to pray for completion from God, not from a man. I need to pray that God would fix my heart so that I can really just feel pure joy for my friends who have been blessed with their partners.