Decision Time

I made a decision. I'm moving to North Carolina in November. I made this decision on Saturday morning or Friday night, I don't remember which, but I reluctantly put my foot down. I had to make a choice...I couldn't keep flip-flopping, for the sake of my own sanity.

That meant I had to tell Joe that I would be leaving. I was very much considering following him wherever he decided to go in life, but I have to deal with the fact that he has his dreams, and I need mine. It's still in the realm of possibilities, I suppose, but I have a bad habit of taking on the plans of the man I'm with and not making my own. So I'm making my own, and I'm going. The conversation with Joe was a difficult one, but we both had a better understanding of each other afterward and had a wonderful evening together. We'll have to see where this unpredictable life takes us.

Saturday, I spent the day with parents before they finish packing and head up. I'm very happy for them...it's been their dream for so long, and they're finally making it happen.

While we were spending time together, a doe wandered into the back yard and began eating leaves from the trees. We went out and my dad actually got within 5 feet of her before she decided to walk away from him. She also permitted my mom and I to come within 10 feet or so, but she wasn't interested in the frozen corn we hurriedly grabbed from the freezer. I don't blame her because I don't like corn straight from the freezer, either.

There's a lot of planning to do, a lot of friends to see, and a lot of worry and stress ahead of me, but I'll get through it. The only way to get out of a rut is to jump out.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was in an unfamiliar place and trying to figure out where I was, but all around, my immediate surroundings dropped off into a vast, empty, dark space. Like little islands floating in the universe. My floating island morphed every now and then into a new sort of scenery...new rooms, new landscapes, but always detached from anything else around it. I assume it has to do with my feelings of displacement, and my inability to decide where I want to exist in this world. It was a stressful dream, and it annoys me that my anxiety carried over into the part of my day where I'm supposed to be resting.

Later, I dreamed that my parents and I stopped at Sally's Beauty Supply to get some hair dye, but they no longer carried any hair dyeing products. It was awful.

Choices

I have so many different paths before me; my anxiety over the last few months has made choosing one nearly impossible. My family, friends, and even my boss have had to be patient with me as I flip back and forth about whether to stay in Florida or not. Though I'm leaning toward moving to Asheville at the moment, there's no telling which way I'll be leaning next month, next week, or even a few hours from now. As the deadline looms closer, I become more frantic in my mind.

I'm at work right now (sorry, boss, if you're reading this...I just really needed a moment to reflect) and there's a pretty exciting storm happening three feet to my left, just on the other side of some glass. Does it storm like this in North Carolina? I've grown so accustomed to the beautiful and violent afternoon thunderstorms of Florida, coming in from the gulf like clockwork. Like Florida's version of Old Faithful. What can I expect in North Carolina? What comforts will come like clockwork there? Maybe it will be my family, maybe a new neighbor, maybe a mountain breeze that smells different than the humid, salty kind we get here. Maybe there won't be a comfort for me there and I'll have to come back.

I make such a big deal out of this move in my mind that I forget I can always come back. But as my boyfriend, Joe, pointed out to me so wisely the other day, things can change rapidly while you're gone. And coming back "home" may not be the home you remember or wanted anymore, and then where do you go?

I wish I knew what I wanted or which path was the correct one, but the only way to figure that out is to make a choice and see how it goes. With such a limited number of years to explore different opportunities, it scares me to know I may be wasting some on the wrong life path. What if the path I choose is the dark, spider-webbed path with no willing companions?

My thyroid medication was just increased this week. I hope my anxiety comes under control, but if not, I think I will have to go back to my therapist. I need a sounding board to bounce all of my fears off of. She helped me a lot last time.

Anyways, this storm is really nice. Back to work.

I have this image in my head of the strong woman I want to be, and sometimes I look like her. Sometimes, I go back to needing things that strong woman doesn't need. It's difficult to keep everything straight in my head, especially when logic and emotion are at such odds with each other. Even my emotions are at odds.

This strong woman I imagine has her own home, lives by herself without fear, travels the world solo, makes her own decisions, is the best Auntie in the world, and owns a Sphinx cat because she likes how adorably ugly they are. She has at least one tattoo and doesn't care what men think about it, is viewed by others as a gracefully single woman who rocks her marital status like The Rolling Stones, and doesn't view every new, attractive male acquaintance as a potential life partner. She's confident in her abilities, works hard, and is rewarded with a successful and fulfilling career. She grabs life by the horns and takes on every challenge with grace, attitude, and optimism. She's not afraid to love when it does come around, but she's not so vulnerable that she leaves herself open to heartache around every corner; she's selective and it pays off. She's happy and fulfilled, even when alone, because she finds herself to be good company.

Sometimes I wish I were as two-dimensional as that woman...as if I were a side character in a novel. Life would be so much easier if I knew exactly who I was and exactly what I wanted.

But I'm not, and I don't know much of anything. I'm terrified of living alone at times, and five minutes later I feel like it's a challenge I'd love to take on. Sometimes I'm afraid to get an ugly cat or an awesome tattoo because some men may not like it. And really, so many fears in my life revolve around being single. What if potential boyfriends don't like tattoos or hairless cats? What if I find someone I really love and they leave me? What if I never find someone I really love? Will I always be as guarded as I am now? I often don't like my own company, and the idea of dying alone, having accomplished very little aside from a career and some paintings, paralyzes me with fear.

I wish I could be like Spock...logically caring about what's right, but emotionally detached and satisfied with living. His character must have been an outlet for some writer as frustrated as I am, a wonderful vision of who they wanted to be.

I wish I could say all of this anxiety would amount to something, some time in the future, but life doesn't give you those previews. All I can do is keep trying to be that strong woman I imagine.