I have so many different paths before me; my anxiety over the last few months has made choosing one nearly impossible. My family, friends, and even my boss have had to be patient with me as I flip back and forth about whether to stay in Florida or not. Though I'm leaning toward moving to Asheville at the moment, there's no telling which way I'll be leaning next month, next week, or even a few hours from now. As the deadline looms closer, I become more frantic in my mind.
I'm at work right now (sorry, boss, if you're reading this...I just really needed a moment to reflect) and there's a pretty exciting storm happening three feet to my left, just on the other side of some glass. Does it storm like this in North Carolina? I've grown so accustomed to the beautiful and violent afternoon thunderstorms of Florida, coming in from the gulf like clockwork. Like Florida's version of Old Faithful. What can I expect in North Carolina? What comforts will come like clockwork there? Maybe it will be my family, maybe a new neighbor, maybe a mountain breeze that smells different than the humid, salty kind we get here. Maybe there won't be a comfort for me there and I'll have to come back.
I make such a big deal out of this move in my mind that I forget I can always come back. But as my boyfriend, Joe, pointed out to me so wisely the other day, things can change rapidly while you're gone. And coming back "home" may not be the home you remember or wanted anymore, and then where do you go?
I wish I knew what I wanted or which path was the correct one, but the only way to figure that out is to make a choice and see how it goes. With such a limited number of years to explore different opportunities, it scares me to know I may be wasting some on the wrong life path. What if the path I choose is the dark, spider-webbed path with no willing companions?
My thyroid medication was just increased this week. I hope my anxiety comes under control, but if not, I think I will have to go back to my therapist. I need a sounding board to bounce all of my fears off of. She helped me a lot last time.
Anyways, this storm is really nice. Back to work.