Friday, July 20, 2012

Why I'm Leaving Facebook


(I have color coded this post because it's obnoxiously long, and I feel you should know what you're getting yourself into before you start reading randomly. If you only want to read the bits about Facebook, you can find them easily. Paragraphs in blue specifically relate to Facebook (there are two separate blocks of blue). Paragraphs in green relate to experiences in my life that have caused me to arrive here. Paragraphs in dark pink are important to the dialogue. Paragraphs in purple are general "I feel..." or "I behave like..." paragraphs. The rest is introduction or non-essential thoughts.)

I announced on my Facebook that I would be deactivating it by the end of today, and also said I would provide an explanation here. This is a difficult topic for me, and one that I usually don’t discuss for a whole host of reasons that will also be addressed here. I also suspect many, many other people have the same issues and are also too afraid to talk about them, and I hope this might pull back the curtain, so to speak, for a lot of people who just need to “get it all out.”

First, the very quick reasons that will be explained more in-depth here:

1. Every time I go on it, I’m reminded that I’m inferior, that I’m generally not liked, and that I’ll never measure up. 
2. I’m deactivating it because I need to learn to like myself.

When I say “I” in this post (and I will do so a lot), I fully understand that I am not alone, and that this is not just an issue pertaining to me. I do not say “I” in a conceited way, and I don’t think it’s “all about me” in life, however, I’m at the point now where I need to talk about this issue. I need to talk about how it’s affected me, and how much it continues to affect me even though it shouldn’t. I need to talk about it because the fact that virtually no one knows what I feel (even though I suspect many people feel it themselves) and the feelings themselves, seem to physically hurt at times.

I also know that there are people who say that because everyone, or most people, feel this way, those who talk about it just want attention or are being overly dramatic. To some degree, it’s probably true. However, I feel that a lot of people are suffering in silence and letting insecurities build inside of them as a result. I’ve been holding my problems in for so long that lately I’ve literally felt like bursting. I’m stressed, often filled with anxiety. It seems that I spend about 40%-60% of my day with that rock-like anxious feeling in my gut. It makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve been chronically avoiding going out for over a year now. As a result, I’ve been incredibly grouchy with my poor husband, who puts up with my insecurities like a champ.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m talking about low self-esteem. I’m talking about the type of low self-esteem that constantly influences the decisions I make, the people I talk to, the thoughts in my head, the love for myself and others, how I handle criticism, and the endeavors I choose to (or not to) take up.

It’s easy to say, “Everybody feels that way,” and brush it off. It’s really, really hard to talk about it. I’ve been taking the easy road, and listened to a couple people very close to me feed me that line, and it’s never, ever helped. Never. So this time, I’m going to try the harder approach, and I’m going to talk about it. I can’t afford a therapist, so blogosphere…you’re my new therapist. Congratulations! At this point, since I’ve already typed up a whole page in Microsoft Word, I know the only people who are going to continue reading (Hey-O if you’re still with me!) are those who are close to me and genuinely care, the curious types who enjoy reading tedious monologues, and those who have the same self-esteem issues and feel this might help them. For that reason, I don’t feel guilty or like I’m being “overly dramatic” by posting this.

My entire life has been dictated by what others think of me, and it started with the first people I ever met. I always felt the most valued and loved when I got As on my report card or made Honor Roll in elementary school. I remember crying when I got Bs because I thought my parents would be disappointed in me. To me, others’ love for me was always conditional. Disappointment in me meant less love for me. Of course, I know now that my parent’s love for me is of the unconditional variety, but it’s still difficult to believe I’m that valuable to anyone. It’s even more difficult to change my habits; I still try to impress them way too much. I love my parents, and want them to be proud of me, but as my husband lovingly pointed out, I shouldn’t base my major life decisions off of “Well Dad said….” Don’t get me wrong: I believe that consulting my parents is a responsible and intelligent thing to do…there’s a lot of wisdom and experience there. But when I become incapable of doing what I want to do for fear of disappointing them, there’s something wrong.

I also want to stress that I had wonderful parents who always expressed their love for me…this has always been my problem and not theirs.

I’ve never been in the “in” crowd, and I don’t have a problem with that. However, until high school I was never in any “crowd” at all. I distinctly remember being told in elementary school (I think it was the third grade) that I wasn’t invited to M’s birthday party because there wasn’t room for me. I was the only girl not invited. In the fourth grade, I wasn’t allowed to join the Spice Girls fan club. I was constantly excluded from every group of kids. I called those girls in my class my “friends,” but if I didn’t, I would have nobody. So I settled for friends that were nice one minute, and then teased me and excluded me the next.

Middle school was no better. Amidst all of the ruthless bullying, in the 8th grade, my entire group of friends (a couple from the same elementary school class) decided one day to stop being my friends and start making fun of me instead. I still don’t know what triggered that event. I believe it was the most influential girl in the group who began it. After all, she loved Michael Jackson, and I let it slip one day that I thought he was crazy (this is partially funny, so if you laughed, it’s ok).

High school was different. I went to a performing arts high school and was accepted into their art program. Very few people from my middle and elementary schools went to my high school, and I had the opportunity to be different. Instead of being the dorky kid I’d always been, I decided to change myself. I didn’t change my beliefs or my religion, but I changed my demeanor. I began to act more extroverted. I laughed loudly, joined conversations, made friends, and was interested in all the same things my friends were interested in. Except, really, I wasn’t. I went through a whole anime phase because my friends liked it. I went to conventions, dressed up, watched hours and hours of it…all the while thinking, “I don’t really like any of this.” I did it because my friends did it. With some kids, it’s drugs or violence…for me…anime (again, you can laugh here).

College continued much the same. I went to on-campus Christian organizations, played sports, went out to eat, and spent hours and hours in my friend’s dorm room hanging out with the same group of friends for three years. The whole time, I didn’t really feel like I belonged. I felt like I wasn’t really wanted. By the end of the third year, things started to change. A particular incident solidified the idea that I wasn’t wanted, and it has never been fully resolved, though I’ve attempted to address the issue.

I feel like throughout my life, so many people have made the conscious decision to stop being my friends. I’m not talking about the slow drifting that people do as they go separate ways. I’m talking about being suddenly and painfully cut from someone’s life. Some of them gave no explanation…some wouldn’t even talk to me unless it was to make fun of me. Some of them did explain, though actually being told you’re no longer liked isn’t a very helpful explanation. Some friendships ended because of arguments, though I’ve never understood why an argument has to end a friendship. In my head, I’m just not important enough to those people to move on and forgive and forget (which really boggles my mind when all parties are equally guilty, but I digress). Then there are the ex-boyfriends who could provide no explanation for breaking up with me other than they just didn’t like me anymore. There is no worse feeling in the world, in my opinion, than to feel like at some point every person in your life will stop loving you. That is how I feel most of the time.

When I sign onto Facebook and see some of these old friends that have cut me out…well, you can imagine how it feels, and I don’t really know how to describe it. I'm sure many, if not all, of you have felt it. I could block them so they don’t appear on friends’ pages or, in some cases, in my own newsfeed, but I’ll always remember they’re there. 

More recently, there are the other friends a specific person and I shared a group with that I still consider friends. I’ll always think they know so-and-so isn’t my friend anymore, and they don’t really want to be either. It would explain the more-or-less sudden distance that always seems to be hovering between me and the rest of the group, like when the group gets back together for a night without alerting me (I’m obviously talking about a specific situation right there, and I’m trying not to…but it’s important). I feel like if I was important enough to them, they’d still want to spend time with me. I feel like if I address my insecurities about our friendship with them, they’ll think I’m crazy and definitely won’t want to talk to me.

And this brings me to Facebook (whew, finally)! Facebook is a breeding ground for insecurity. When I make a post, I compose and edit content based on what people will think about it. When I post a picture, it has to present a “me” that I’m not ashamed of. When I post a comment, I have to sound intelligent and put-together. Everything I post on Facebook is for everyone else. Conversely, when I look at other peoples’ posts, I often feel inferior, ugly, unintelligent, and like my life is in shambles.

Everyone has at least one Facebook friend that always posts perfectly edited photos (Instagram, anyone?) of their pretty china, or their place settings, or status updates about them and their perfect spouse because their marriage is so perfect, and so-on-so-forth. Nothing that person posts is ever about a struggle (unless it’s something that doesn’t reflect upon them in any way) or anything less than perfect. Everything in their lives always looks neatly manicured. And most people seem to eat it all up. The antiqued photo of their steeping tea next to their copy of Wuthering Heights has 127 “likes” and 47 comments spewing adoration. When I look at those photos, all I feel is depressed…depressed that my life will never be as meaningful as theirs…that I will never be as intelligent…that I will never accomplish as much as them…and that I will never have my life together enough to sit down with a cup of tea and read Wuthering Heights. I don’t even like tea…and cool kids like tea, so minus 10 points for the loser over here.

I’m completely aware that most of the people spewing comments of adoration are also insecure and feel similar things, but where I go overboard is trying to imitate the same posts that I hate so much. I made pretty things for the sole purpose of taking nice pictures and putting them on Facebook. After all, if people don’t see that I can make nice things, what’s the point of making them? People won’t care about me if I can’t make Martha Stewart-like cup coasters out of vintage doilies and miniature photo frames (hey, that’s kind of a good idea…). I equate compliments with a willingness to interact with me. No compliments = no one likes me. Then it gets a bit more ridiculous because I can’t take a compliment. When someone pays me a compliment, I say, “No, no…” and think “They’re just being nice because they feel bad.”

So that equation looks like this: (Being nice, but not interested in knowing me + receiving compliments) (no one likes me + no compliments) = no one really likes me…even the ones that pretend to. Now…I’m not very good at math, but I really gave that one a try. Essentially, the thought running through my mind practically every day of my life is that no matter what I do, I will never be good/cool/interesting/funny/pretty enough to have friends.

My initial response to that thought is, “Who cares if they like you?” It’s a valid thought…why should I care? Why let other people dictate how I feel about myself?

I just do. I don’t know why. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to put my foot down and say, “Sara Ann, stop giving a crap what other people think of you and just be happy being yourself.” I say it, and then I feel like going into a corner and whimpering…because honestly, I don’t even like myself. And if I don’t like myself, how can I be happy being myself?

Until a week ago, I stopped going to church because I always felt like I wasn’t wanted. People my age in church are so darned cool with the v-neck tees and handmade bags from Africa and the Toms shoes. People very rarely came over to say hello…and when they did, I was so scared of them that the conversation dropped off awkwardly and they’d move on to someone who seemed infinitely cooler and prettier than me. I know that’s not what church is about, but to someone with social anxiety problems, it’s enough to scare them off. It makes sense when you look at the people in church and see that most of them are outgoing and beautiful…the shy and awkward people came a couple of times and then stopped. I don’t mean to be offensive to anyone…but it’s what I’ve observed, and simply my humble opinion.

And holy moly, the tears. When I’m criticized by my boss, parents, or friends…it’s Niagara Falls here because I just can’t seem to handle anyone being disappointed in me. For ANYTHING. The most embarrassing thing I’ve ever endured in my professional life was literally sobbing at work because my boss at the bank was unhappy with a mistake I made. It wasn’t even a big deal, but I really take those things to heart. I’m a perfectionist. I’m not a perfectionist because I want to never make mistakes, but because I don’t want other people to see me make mistakes.

I've strayed…back to Facebook. I’m deactivating it because every time I go on it, I’m reminded that I’m inferior, that I’m generally not liked, and that I’ll never measure up. I’m deactivating it because I need to learn to like myself. In order to learn to like myself, I have to stop comparing myself to others. Since Facebook seems to be a giant forum for screaming, “Look what I can do!” it’s probably a bad place for me to be while learning to have confidence. I’m also deleting it because it makes it WAY too easy to hide from real, live human beings. Without Facebook, I’ll be forced to spend actual time with people I love or want to get to know.

My biggest ambition for Facebook-freedom, though, is to spend time with myself. Since I’ve spent the last ten years basing my interests off of the people around me, I sort of don’t really know who I am anymore. I know I have this ability to make stuff…that’s cool…but I haven’t used it to express myself on my own terms in quite some time. I wouldn’t even know what to express anymore. I’ll probably also invest some more time writing long monologues similar to this one on my blog, here, but I’ll really have to examine my reasons for doing so.

I have been writing for way too long. If any of you actually read through this whole thing, I’m amazed, and I thank you. And I will try not to worry about how bored you were or how stupid I must sound, thought I’m already thinking it and I haven’t even hit “Publish” yet.

If any of you have had similar issues or thoughts, feel free to leave a comment. I think everyone who feels that way should have a safe place to let all their emotions run wild. By all means…go crazy if you want to. We’re all human, after all.

21 comments:

  1. Giving you a virtual HUG over the Internet!!! I did read through your entire blog and I can undertsand many of the things you feel and think that taking a break from Facebook is a fabulous idea!

    I hope you know that you are always welcome to me casa in Orlando if you ever need to get away and find yourself...even if it is at a Theme Park or my pool :)

    I love you and think that you are such a talented woman and I know that many people would agree! You are loved and liked by more people than you know and give yourself credit for.

    Taking time for yourself is healthy not only for you but also for your marriage. And, did I mention that it is a extermely mature and brave thing to do? I have many friends in their 30's that struggle with that and try to mantain a front that they are fabulous...like many people on FB do. Trust me, many of the people you mentioned are probably miserable or unhappy and it makes them feel better by giving the appearance that they have it all + a perfect life.

    When I am finished with all of this crazy traveling please reach out to me if you want to talk or meet up. I am a great listener and don't judge :)


    Hugs & kisses!!!!

    Your cousin, Laura

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    1. Hey Laura! Thanks for the kind words. :) I would love to go to Orlando to hang out when you get back! I've been loving all your pictures and can't wait to hear about all the places you've been!

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  2. I love you , Sara, even though we might not technically be counted as friends due to our long time apart and lack of communication. They have done studies that strongly imply that what you struggle with on facebook is what everyone struggles with. I find myself increasingly using it to advertise myself; it does become this sort of personal resume where you have to portray yourself in the best light in every category instead of just your work history. I actually just left my old blog because I felt too much pressure and I felt like I wasn't being true to myself at all.

    I'm glad you may be writing more here. I think blogs are a much better tool for communicating with the internet world as long as it doesn't become another popularity contest. I tried to figure out how to deactivate my facebook account yesterday, but I couldn't find the button.

    Remember that you are not alone in your struggle to feel like you like yourself. It's really easy to get caught up in everyone else's perfectly manicured lives, but I think our generation is a lot more self conscious than it lets on.

    I stopped attending church at least 6 months ago and can't quite get the confidence to return. I just feel like people don't like me and I can't figure out why. I've gradually closed myself off to people and I know it needs to change. You've inspired me to leave facebook for awhile, too, if I can figure out how to do it.

    I think we all need to learn how to be in better dialogue with ourselves, how to praise ourselves for a job well done, instead of relying on "likes" and comments and praise from people we hardly know who hardly care.

    Sorry for this nonsensical comment. You can follow what's going on in my life at leahwise.wordpress.com now. Also, you should come visit us in Charlottesville when you visit NC (that's what you said on your status, right?).

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    1. I know I've already responded via email and what-not, but I didn't want your comment to be the only one without a response. :P

      I love you, Leah!!

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  3. I should clarify that Charlottesville is in Virginia. Also, this is Leah.

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  4. Sara - you show such stregnth for being able to write all of that and put it out for everyone to see. I do believe a lot of others struggle like you and it does need to be faced head on. I wish you the best on this journey to love yourself and I hope in time you can see how great you are!

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  5. Hey Sara. First off, I just wanted to say I'm sorry if anything I've posted made you feel insecure. Keep in mind, these "perfect" people on facebook are just like you, putting out this perfect image to feel better about themselves. Everyone has different social issues. I'll tell you a secret about myself that I've come to realize in college: Growing up, I've had problems with people I thought were my friends would all of the sudden brush me off and not include me in things. Even my "best friend" in high school who moved to Tallahassee for college, only a few months after, she unfriended me on facebook. That actually really hurt me because you don't need to interact with people on facebook. It meant she really had no interest my life at all anymore, since that was how we kept in touch. I got so used to people brushing me off that, subconsciously, I did that same thing to other people. If there was a person I sat by in class and was "friends" with in that class, if I saw them somewhere else on campus, instead of me feeling stupid and acting like we're best friends, I already "knew" I was actually unimportant in their life, and so I would not acknowledge them or tried to ignore them. And a good amount of times, these people actually did want to be my friend, but I brushed them off because I felt insecure about that exact thing. And I feel so bad about that. I would yell at myself in my head after doing things like that, but it's a reflex at this point. I've had a lot of situational friends and acquaintances, but I can say right now I have exactly 1 friend (not including my husband). And it took a lot of convincing for me to trust her as a friend that would not go away. But you know what? I'm very happy with my one friend and my husband. I have my family and my animals and work to keep my occupied. So maybe the people that brushed you off in life are like me inside.

    Well take it as you may, but I like you. With or without your teacups and wheat paste :) And I'm glad you put up this blog, it takes a lot of courage. Well good luck in your self-discovery and confidence building. Shoot me a text if you want a new friend or someone to talk to. My number is 813-892-7700. And I will let you know, I bookmarked your blog in case you don't come back to facebook, so keep us updated! :)

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    1. Hey Michele! Thanks for the response and for sharing some of your story with me. You've always been very down to earth and friendly in my eyes...and you've always been very honest, which I've always appreciated! You're probably right about some people brushing us off because they were too scared. It's rather silly, if you think about it...people ignoring each other because they assume the other is doing it maliciously.

      Also, with the way this no FB thing is going, I'll probably never be back. I've learned some really scary things about the way my brain functions nowadays that makes me want to avoid Facebook forever! More on that here later.

      You and your hubby should come over for dinner and a movie one night. I've never met him! I'm saving your number so I can call you. :)

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  6. Sara, I completely understand everything you wrote....yes, I read every single word. I know you have to get through your feelings about yourself by yourself but sweetie let me tell you something. I have watched your posts, seen your pictures, checked out your artwork and so much more. Even though I haven't seen you since you were a very little girl I still can tell you that you were and definitely are a most wondeful person in so many ways. You have a heart that won't quit, a wit that can bring many smiles and talent that seems to be endless. How I envy YOU!

    I find it so unbelieveable that anyone wouldn't like you because there is so much to like about you. Have you ever considered they "didn't like you" because they were jealous of you? You, my dear, are just an amazing person.

    I hope you reconcile your feelings about yourself quickly. Know this....I LIKE YOU and I always have. It's an honor to have known you (and your family) and to have gotten to know you again through FB.

    Hugs sweetie....you have my love!!

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    1. Thank you for your response, Doni! I miss you very much...I'm really glad I had such a cool person (you) in my life as a kid. I had no idea you weren't in Florida anymore, and I didn't know you had a biker gear shop, either! That's pretty awesome. Do you ship? Berto and I may be getting a bike eventually and we'll need some sweet gear.

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  7. Sara, the hardest thing in the world is to learn to be comfortable in your own skin....it took me years (although truthfully I still have my own struggles) to even figure out who I was trying to be. You are such an amazing person, and I saw that with complete and utter sincerity, and I just wish you could see that. Its been so much fun to watch you grow into the person you are today, a person who is unique and fun and a little bit kooky ;-). You aren't cookie cutter perfect and thats what makes you such a breath of fresh air. False fronts are easy to put up but OMG are those people boring. I'll take one of *you* over a million of them any day!

    Remember honey, other people come and go but you are gonna be with you forever. Be someone that you like. Be someone who is genuine and has lived with passion. Embrace your mistakes ! They shape you as much as your accomplishments do. In fact, I think they actually teach the really important lessons ,like perseverance, empathy and compassion.

    Anyway I know I'm rambling so I'll stop lol but I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything!
    aunt rebecca

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    1. Thanks, Aunt Rebecca! I'm very much looking forward to Journey (the concert, haha) and hope we get to go! I'm so glad I have such awesome aunts.

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  8. p.s. nobody reads Wuthering Heights they just want you to think they did.

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  9. Sara, you are so talented, don't let the "real world" get you down. I've been through a lot of similar things in life, especially the friends that aren't really friends and the bullying part. I'm a shy person and people take advantage of that and tend to pick on me for it. I only have a few friends that I've kept for awhile, and several of those have moved away. As I've told my family multiple times, I don't really have any really good friends anymore. They're all too busy most of the time, and it feels like I can't count on anybody anymore besides family.

    And you're right, Facebook is all about showing off how awesome you are. I work my butt off to get a few compliments here and there, and then when I do I'm so completely shocked, because most of the time I feel like nothing and that what I do is nothing. I struggle with being self-conscious constantly, and finally I feel like I MIGHT be starting to come to terms with it. Knowing that everybody struggles with these thoughts is extremely comforting, because most of the time I feel like I must be the only one to feel this way. I throw myself into constantly taking photographs, because I feel like that is one of the few ways people accept me and because it's one of the few things that while I'm doing it, it just makes me ridiculously happy. Of course it helps, that I feel like I'm finally being given approval by gorgeous people, something that rarely ever happens to me. I've always been the outsider, and I constantly worry that people are thinking about me and not approving. But that is just life, I guess. Sometimes we just have to learn to get past it and embrace what we have. I hope taking a break from Facebook can do that for you, and if you ever need to talk or to just hang out with somebody, I'm here for you.

    -Ashley

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    1. Ashley, if anyone WINS at photography, it's YOU! What you do is amazing and beautiful, and the complete opposite of nothing! I'm really glad photography makes you happy! Just make sure you do it because you love it and not because you love people's reactions to it. I think that's what killed photography for me. I loved it for a while, but then it became more about getting people's approval. Now I don't love it so much anymore.

      I completely understand you socially. Part of me wonders if this feeling is amplified in artists, since our whole lives are about making things people approve and like.

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  10. Hey Sara, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've always had issues with people making fun of me because of my weight. I've had incidents where I've gotten home from school and just started crying because of things that people have said to me. Also, I'm not entirely sure how informed you are about my situation and stuff, but since I've moved out of my parents house, I've had to deal with a room mate moving out of HER house because she didn't want to be around me. Instead of coming to me and working it out, she just dropped me as a friend without so much as a goodbye (not to mention she stole stuff from me, but that's an entirely different story). Since then I moved in with a different friend that I found out only uses me so she can go and hang out with her other friends. As far as I know, I did nothing wrong, but to them apparently I did. Now I'm back living with my parents, and I've decided that I'm probably better off without friends, because there I was trusting two of my best friends all through highschool, that all of a sudden treat me like crap. I'm not saying it's easy to come to a decision like that, but you just have to remember, if people don't like you for you, they aren't worth your time. It's not fair that some people seem to have it made, and have the perfect life, but in reality, they're probably having the same thoughts as you. I'm proud of you for voicing your thoughts and emotions. It's not an easy thing to do. I hope things get better, and you know you can talk to me about anything! You have my phone number (I think), feel free to call me or text me WHENEVER you just want to talk. (:

    -Cousin Andi

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    1. Ugh, Andi, that sounds horrible! I'm so glad I have such real people in my family. Roommates are really tough to have and keep...especially so if you're friends before you move in together. I no longer speak with any person I've lived with except my husband, and one other girl (about 5 people). But when you do find the right roommate, things work out. It's just about finding someone whose habits click and mesh with yours.

      I don't think I have your number, but I'll get it from your mom. :) I think I'm going to really enjoy this having real communication thing.

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  11. Thank you all for your responses! I'm sad that everyone does, in fact, have the same thoughts and feelings, though I'll admit it is a comfort. Thank you all for talking about it!

    This thing doesn't let me reply to individual comments somehow, or else I'd reply to you all individually! I'll try my best to get back to you via telephone or other avenues of communication. :)

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  12. Sara...I am probably one of the most hated individuals walking this earth right now. Sometimes, I think Al-Qaeda is more respected than I am.
    The fact is that ya can't let the world tell you who you are or decide what you are worth...
    I know...I tried to kill myself a few years before we met...
    It took me a long time to actually come to like myself. Sometimes, I still don't. I wonder why I have anyone in my life at all and feel that I must be impossible to love. So, I have picked people subconsciously who were incapable of loving me just create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    The girl I knew was pretty cool. What I don't know was if that girl was the real you or an act that you presented to me. But that girl was pretty confident and she was confident enough to tell me when she thought I was wrong. Or being stupid. I sought you back out because you made an impact on me then. I know I am quiet most days, but the thing is...I am rarely on Facebook. I use it as a platform for my blog and that is about it. I rarely play any of the games. I rarely chat with people. Doesn't mean I wasn't there...somewhere...watching in a non-creepy way like a non-creepy stalker.
    I wish ya luck hun. And at least I can still read and catch up on your life here once a week when I'm not tied up with classes and work.
    Take Care.
    Ben-

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  13. Sara, you are humble and honest and beautiful. Here are some scriptures that bring me back down to reality. PS-I emailed you.

    -But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

    -But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble"-James 4:6

    -Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.-1 Peter 3:3-4

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  14. Trisha Cruz-ReaderJuly 27, 2012 at 7:10 PM

    Sara! You are so brave for writing this! Even though I don't know you THAT well, I do know you are a beautiful person inside & out. You MUST learn to love yourself. Do what makes YOU happy. Your husband sounds like your biggest supporter & he should be. Good luck Sara & I am here if you ever want to talk....or if you ever come to Seattle! 813-546-4970

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